Alone in a crowd – Aalkutathil Thaniye

Alone in a crowd – in Malayalam it can be referred to as ‘ Aalkutathil Thaniye’.

Have you ever felt this way? I am sure you have, on that odd occasion. You could be in a group and ask yourself, what are you doing here? Or, just feel alone. Unless you experience it, this feeling is difficult to explain.

It is possible that those of us who feel this way are branded as Anti Social. Personally, I do not think that is true. Then again, I do not know how to categorize such people, people like me.

How it all started:

As the youngest among the children born to my parents, my relationship with my siblings was a lot like that of Joseph and his siblings, till Joseph was sold to the traders. As the youngest, I grew up alone. Holidays were spent with my mum, the few neighbours and those who worked the fields we owned. Fishing became my passion. Often, in the one and a half months or two months of holidays I never spoke to any person my age. I spent my time Day Dreaming ( about which I wrote earlier). Family feuds meant that I never met any of my cousins too often. I learnt to be my own companion.

In boarding school, I was not a greatly popular guy among my classmates and was more of an average Joe. I didn’t think much of myself either. My parents had lost their wealth by the time I was finishing school so I wasn’t even financially stable. However, I stuck to my task of living, even if it meant that I had a few friends. It was the life given to me and I took it.

College Days..

This is when I made friends for life. In college I never felt alone. I had two very close friends and the many guys from my class, senior and junior to me, made life totally magical. I enjoyed every bit of my stay in Kollam and college life, which incidentally got me a Commerce Degree, was a blast.

In those lovely days it did not matter who anyone was. We were all happy to be together. No differences made out of artificial boundaries built by religion, caste or race. The only time, in my life, when I never felt alone.

Employment

My working career started in Chennai ( Madras) . My inability to make too many friends restarted after college. I studied in NIIT In Madras and though I spent time with cousins in Madras, I never made any friends. While I was working and before my marriage I made some friends – yes, but I was never part of any group like many I knew.

I never made any friends in my office as work consumed me and while I got to know a lot of my colleagues I do not think I can recall of a day when I had a drink with anyone of them or even a coffee or a meal.

Before I married my college sweetheart, I spent the days and hours out of work, with books and by myself. I did, once in a while, wish I was a part of a fun group.

Very early in my career I was given posts which were in Senior Management. At 33+ I was even CEO of Prestige Projects, one of India’s leading property developers. I wonder whether my desire to be ‘clean’ while working made me wary of making friends. Was it in fact my failure rather than a reason I gave to justify a lack of friends.

Business and beyond

I was in business since 2002. I am a first generation businessman. No one in my family had ever tried it out. Was I nervous? Very. I succeeded and then made so many mistakes that I withdrew further into my world. I was not ashamed that the world knew that I made mistakes – in fact, I openly admitted them. What I was upset about was that I was making mistakes and that I started to believe that I am not cut out for business.

I began to feel that people were laughing at me and that I was the example of why a person should not be a businessman. I began to feel even more lonely.

While in business, one is, in any case, lonely. There is no one to comfort you, except yourself. I used to moan about my problems, till I found a good idea – an idea that worked for me. I began to write, in my phone – my problems and worries in a diary titled – My conversations with my God. I stopped moaning.

Today, I just feel so alone. Believe me, it is not easy to feel a part of a group or friends when the minds is like this now. Feeling Lost and Lonely.

My conversations

I love Indian politics. I love Alien stories, I love Theology. All subjects that do not have listeners. I do not have many people to talk to during the week as I do not socialise during the week. Weekends meant a movie with the family on Fridays and very rare visits by / to meet friends.

So, when I met people, I spoke a lot. If I found a person who was receptive the talk from my end was non stop. I was mocked for that by many people. It became a joke on me. A joke that hurt me a lot but then that was the truth, I just spoke too much. I love cricket but I rarely discuss it as I need people who understand the game well, to talk about it.

My family cautioned me about talking too much, posting too much on social media. If I was silent people asked what happened – I was and am confused on how to behave. How to socialise? Suffice is to say that after 36 years in Bangalore my wife and I are not part of any social group. We are often the ‘additional’ invitees to a party or a travel out of town.

Where did I go wrong?

My wife, thankfully, has made many friends of her own – a lot more than I have done. I rarely, if at all, get a personal call during the week. It is just calls re work, legal matter, money owed, settlements made etc. etc. Not one personal call for weeks on end. I do not make calls either. So, I guess it all evens out.

I started leaning on my phone. Except for WhatsApp I do not have any social media on my phone. I am on Twitter and LinkedIn but on my laptop. Yet, it is a fact that I spend a lot of time on the phone. I have been teased about that. People do not know that I read and I was told by someone that all the information I have is from social media.

I think I did not know how to balance work and leisure. I should have made friends at work. Maybe I could have built a network – networking is my weakest point. Maybe I should just smile and nod and listen more than I talk – for the next few years. I stand up and fight when I feel I am wronged. It is often considered stupid to do that. I speak my mind – smart and sociable people do not do that.

I really do not know where I went wrong.

In the end the only positive is that I recognise that I am alone and that people would rather stay in their own circles. Am I upset ? Yes and No. I have started to reconcile myself to this life. I am sure I will give my everything to come out of this mess in my business. My gardening, my books, my writing keep me sane. My girls – all of them, have been supportive. My little princesses are so precious, I do not feel alone around them.

While I feel Alone in a Crowd most of the time – Aalkutathil Thaniye is my fate – I also have to learn to live with it. I am grateful to the many who spare me their time and company and am glad for them and their families.

If you have any comments or views please share them on the comment box. I will be grateful and happy to hear from you all.