Giving up the Ghost professionally …

Tired

Over the last few weeks I have been feeling an enormous sense of tiredness. A feeling of emptiness that I cannot explain. No, it is NOT the worst time in a long time, not at all. However, there is a feeling that I am in a flux. Nothing seems to be moving in the direction that I want it to. It appears to be too still.

No, I am not getting harassed. Yes, two months ago, I once again lost my flagship company to the CIRP process just because a Non Banking Finance Company chose to seek redressal on some interest they say is payable to them. Our arguments were ignored. Bang. Once again I find myself out of my own company. It’s actually given me a breather but that’s like what harassed mothers of young children say when the kids run them crazy. When someone offers to take the child out for a bit, the mum relishes the rest. Then, of course, they want their baby back, trouble, mess and screaming or whatever. It’s their baby.

So, I want my baby back too, but here it is not so easy. Financiers are a different breed and when they have their claws dug in you, they do not leave without some of your flesh and blood. I often wonder why Hitler was so angry with one community and wanted them destroyed. Why did such a sober lot as the German’s agree with Adolf? Has it anything to do with the fact that the community were financiers in Germany? I have yet to go deep into it but I will, one day. Anyway, I am digressing.

Do I fight back?

I have often wondered whether I should learn to stop fighting back and allow myself to be taken by the flow. Why am I not a businessman who is amenable to opportunities? Why do I stick to certain fundamentals? Should I not have just become a social reformer?

I want to agree to options. I want to agree that I have failed. Why can’t I smell the coffee and accept that I have failed. Hasn’t the government given me an opportunity to accept defeat and just give in? I have tried for many years but..

Over the last few days I have leaned on the side of – I’m giving up. I have tried my best and yet, I have failed. Let me accept that nature will win and I must stand aside and allow myself to watch my efforts go in vain.

Then..

I recall an anecdote on cricket ( there, I bring cricket in again). Some one asked if a batsman who has scored a triple hundred, feels he has had enough and is happy to go when he has lobbed a high catch to a fielder. The response was – the batsman after lobbing the catch, will put his head down or lift it up, shrug his shoulders and start to walk away. Then if the fielder stumbles with the catch and the batsman sees it, he will, immediately stop his walk back and try and regain his crease. It doesn’t matter if he has scored a triple hundred. He is just seeing a chance to continue. In the split seconds that all this happens, the emotions of many play different roles. I am not going to tell you if the catch was taken. That is not the point.

So, here I am, thinking, I’ve fought the long battle, I’m done. I’ve lobbed the ball. I notice a stumble. I start to get some energy back. I need to get to a score of Four Hundred now. It is not the score really, it’s just not getting out, isn’t it?

What do I do?

I am wondering still. I am almost frozen in my spot. A part of me is definitely fighting back. Even when I work from home I am dressed like I am going to office. I do not have any answers yet. Do I have the energy? Do I have the desire? Do I need it so much. Should I just watch and smile when those who want to defeat me realise that when I am gone, they suddenly do not have the ability to take over and steer the ship to the shore. Steering is a lot tougher than complaining.

Over the last few years I have had so many people let me down, including professionals. Suddenly, I am not the horse to back, so, they feel, let’s quietly take our money from the guy who is willing to pay us, and spike this guys ( my) food. The money we get will overshadow any element of guilt that, we may, sometimes, feel. WTF.

In my life, I have never done anything to prove anything to anyone. Never believed in revenge. The effort was to do my best, in whatever I did. If, by doing my best, I did well and it helped my family have a decent life style, then, great. Sadly, my failures have left my family in distress and they feel let down. Yes, of course, they support me. My closest friends and family are cheering me on but are they also losing hope in my ability to last the course?

I am still wondering – should I give up the Ghost and wave the white flag of surrender professionally ? As I write I am still undecided. The Jury is still out, as they say.

If you are inclined, do let me know what you feel. No, not to me directly, but write down what you feel in the comments section below. The one person, who has always asked me why I have not written in a long time is my nephew Arvind. Buddy, I love the support you give me by just asking me always. So, let me know..